Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There's always time for handjobs
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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