too bad you live with your parents still
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize