When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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