forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
