These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
