mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
