My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you will always have a special place in my vag
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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