As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
