I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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