Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
