it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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