i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Acid is not a monday night drug
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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