yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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