Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
They took my balls.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
