he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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