Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
