I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
BRING THE BAGELS
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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