Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
