I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
ok first of all what the fuck
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
