I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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