it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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