You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
