I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
