dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
