He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
