I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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