Why are handjobs necessary in class?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize