he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
