If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize