I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
