I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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