Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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