she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
