I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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