I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize