I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
