Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize