This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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