don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
