And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
