btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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