You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
