Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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