i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
