WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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