i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my shit smells like andre
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
