Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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