Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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