you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
