You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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