hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Randomize
