I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize