My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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