So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
