I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize