The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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