my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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