Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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