You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
