I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize