you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
