I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
