I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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