she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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